I’m feeling much better. Like, WAY better. For some reason I felt compelled to continue the last entry. Mostly because I wanted to clarify a certain point about reaching misanthropy and why it helps in my situation.
It’s only in this final stage that I’m able to have distance and develop perspective. It’s on this thin border of love/hate that I’m able to suddenly detox. The best way I can put it is, it’s the closest to leaving the corporal world that I’ve been able to achieve.
:: shrugs :: It’s the ‘meh’ stage and it’s where I call home.
Work life is getting even more hectic than before. Ten hour shifts are the norm. Only one day off a week. There’s been a recent acquisition nightmare and that’s all I can say about it.
While many coworkers complain, file union grievances, and make everyone else around them miserable, I sit back and smile. I’m grateful to have a job. My boss isn’t a tyrant. I love the benefits. This is likely temporary and it certainly livens up the otherwise mundane day job. This is my overall attitude on it, but that’s not to say I won’t have my moments of stress.
For example, recently I had grown so stressed and frustrated that I had to take a break and just take a walk. I can’t emphasize just how big of a deal this is… but this is coming from someone who has never had to walk away from the desk to cool off. Tensions ran high for about two weeks and I hadn’t had a day off in almost as much. It certainly made me cranky. The toxic environment didn’t help. Coworkers turn on each other, managers run around trying to solve things but only make things worse, and meanwhile nothing gets done. There’s a particular coworker that gets on my nerves every time she comes over to my area to talk to my podmate. She’s one to complain about… everything. She’s a regular negative nancy and she’s always gossiping. It’s so toxic, that even her attempts to whisper annoy me. I just want to turn around and yell, “Stop complaining and get back to work!”
And no matter who I turned to at work, they had some way of making me feel like crap. Every backhanded compliment or comment just sent me spiraling into a seething mess. I’ll likely be avoiding people at work like I typically do. And you know what? It bugs me that I have to do that. This was the first job I’ve really opened up to people, like actually interact with people. Like I’m sure I’ve said before, at my old job I just showed up, worked, and went home. I didn’t start opening up to my last set of coworkers until I started getting close to moving to Washington. I’ve always been somewhat of a loner and kept to myself. It’s just who I am. But here… at my new home of Washington? I decided to be unapologetically me. And you know what? It’s worked great so far. I’ve made some decent work friends and life was pretty ‘normal.’ Situations like the last two weeks remind me that work relationships only go so deep and to not be disappointed or surprised.
Today was my first day off in almost two weeks, working 10 hours or more. It’s certainly taken up a lot of my time and the days blurred together. Wait, it’s Tuesday? It feels like Thursday. Wait, Sunday? It feels like Friday. Who cares.
I got to write today. It was a great feeling. I’m starting to get back into my creative writing and it makes me feel good. For a while I was worried I’d never find the joy in writing again. That idea scared me because it once brought me so much joy. Somewhere along the way the fun was stripped away and it felt like work. Then work got in the way and nothing was right. I still feel somewhat creatively stymied, and my writing still feels a bit contrived.
It’ll come. For now I’m working with @SMBlooding on a project. It keeps me on my toes and helps me keep on writing. So, on with massive overtime, I shall don the ‘meh’ and escape to the writing cave… even if it’s only in my mind.