I walked into work today and someone took a moment to admire and compliment my iced drink (iced green tea latte). Without much thought I offered it to them–I hadn’t yet touched it or even punctured the drink with a straw. The gesture was genuine and they immediately took me on the offer. Unfortunately the gesture backfired and I suddenly found myself missing said drink. Rather, it prompted an odd introspective moment.
It’s always about someone else… because I let them.
It’s been an odd few days. I recently found myself hurt and lamenting. I won’t go into the details, as I was much more fascinated by the mechanics of how these emotions took hold.
Morbid, right? I always joke how I loathe most feelings/emotions. They confuse. And as I said: Emotions betray. They are the befuddled mistress of rationale.
My View On All Emotions
And yet I found myself caught up in them. In the immediate aftermath of getting hurt the shock hit. It washed over me, numbing my senses and partly questioning whether the event even occurred. Did this really just happen? Did I just…? Holy shit. A sort of tunnel vision took hold. The brain stopped processing everything non vital, my mind’s eye zoomed from where I stood, leaving the body, leaving the room, leaving the city, leaving the state, lifting into the upper atmosphere… and just about checked out.
Sure. I felt like crying, but the tears wouldn’t come. I tried to force them, but my body was holding me hostage to the moment; “You’re eating right now, cry later. You’re driving right now, cry later. You’re interacting with a human that’s asking you a question…” Yes, things indeed became that distant.
I found myself trapped in this phase where I was taking everything apart, beyond just my emotions.
You will drive down this road, in this metal and glass box with four wheels, runs on fuel–tiny controlled explosions moving pistons and wheels… an alternator is charged, running other various components of this machine. The guard up ahead will greet you, you are to smile and greet him back. That woman has waved. Wave back. You are processing sound and someone has said your frequency–name. Hunger is taking hold, you need to eat.
Yup. Checked out.
Coworker: Are you okay?
Me: Yes. Why?
Coworker: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. Just tired.
“Tired” seems to explain it all. People tend to stop asking after that. And in a sense I was tired, mostly of this zombie-like phase, of the assault of emotions, all while having to bottle it all up.
Coworker: You probably need a drink.
Me: Ha. That last time I was this hurt and used that as a coping mechanism I nearly turned into an alcoholic. It took the death of friend to snap me out of it.
I met with a friend earlier and chatted a bit about my situation.
Friend: What are you going to do?
Me: I dunno. There’s nothing to do. There is no winning.
Not that it was ever about winning. In a situation like this, there is no winning, really. It just is. I’ve made my bed.
Friend: So, what’s next?
Me: Run.
Friend: Not again. You’re going to change you number, quit your job, move to another state again, burn bridges and your facebook–
Me: No. I mean actually run.
They say crying releases endorphins. If I couldn’t cry, I’d get my endorphin kick from running. Damn endorphin is coming out one way or another.