I am grateful.
I feel this entry needs that preface; that I am grateful. I am honored. I am humbled. I am grateful.
Things at work at starting to ramp up for more projects. Over time I’ve become the point-man, the go-to-guy for a lot of odd projects and sources of knowledge. I’ve come realize I’m this strange walking-talking wiki for all sorts of random info. It’s funny because I remember a year or so ago how I found myself struggling to keep up with certain people on tasks. I attributed it to a lack of drive and mostly age. It’s odd that now I find myself in this position where all manner of company personnel seek me out for assistance. I’m grateful and humbled at the opportunity to help, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t stressful at times. In many ways I’m a people-pleaser; I love helping and I love teaching. Unfortunately I’ve also found myself being the enabler, the crutch that many lean on with no desire to acquire new skill or learn the skills I’ve learned. It’s frustrating, but I can’t have it all. There are pros and cons to everything.
Recent events have certainly put me on a lot of people’s radar, opening up a lot of opportunities. However, since things are in flux with a pending acquisition, I must tread carefully. You never know when the position that’s in demand now, becomes disposable later. For now I wait on these offers. Plus, there’s no lack of work or projects on my table at the moment. There are a few projects that must get done prior and during acquisition. I’ll wait.
I miss writing. I’ve said this before, I know. My constantly changing schedule makes it hard to maintain any sort of writing routine. Sometimes I have the energy, sometimes I don’t. There’s also something to say about the drive to write. A lot of the projects I’m on now require a lot of writing of processes and procedures. There’s a lot of teaching now and a lot more coming in the next four to six months on a company trip to Texas. With all the writing I’m already doing, it’s hard to find the energy to continue that when the day is over. Yes. It’s a different kind of writing, but it’s hard to find the energy most days.
I recently had “tea” with a friend in Seattle, Marcella. It was great to see her, even though I often feel terrible for only seeing her once since I moved to Washington three years ago. It’s been that hectic!
She suggested I find my routine, and even recommended a “90 day novel” exercise. I do plan on trying to keep some semblance of a writing routine while in Texas. I’ve got a few “writing prompts” and a journal to mark my progress. Plus, there’s no shortage of ideas. Heck, I still have that third installment in the Project Horizon series to finally get out. Oh, and that unfinished short story under my pen name–OH… and that other novel that should have been out this year. UGH!
A part of me is tired, even bored, with the PH series. As I told Marcella, “I no longer think this way. This is a series I started over ten years ago and just… morphed into this monster…[]… I want to write new stuff. I want to write the stuff I’m passionate about now. Sure, the short stories under my pen name have reinvigorated my love for writing, but… I want more.”
:: sigh ::
For as busy as work has me, and some of my personal projects have gone by the wayside, I still have so much more I want to do. A part of me fears missing out on these years. So far I’m loving my thirties a lot more than my twenties. I feel I have things figured out, a lot more than I did when I was younger. Sure, I miss a few things I could get away with, physically and perhaps emotionally, when I was in my twenties. But, thirties aren’t so bad.
I want to take a long hike through some legendary mountainous region. I want to visit Europe. I want to experience all the sights, sounds and smells of another world. I want to visit the scenic Oregon coastline. I want to be in a flashmob in some busy mall, or heck in downtown Seattle. I want to dance in the rain. I want to be so happy I cry. I want conquer my introvert and agoraphobic tendencies for a moment, if only to inhale humanity in all its splendor–bask in this missing interlude of my life.
With my birthday coming up soon, I hope that one day I’ll be able to say “I did it all.”