Blanks and spacebars

First off, thank you so much to everyone who posted in my latest blog about coming out to my sister. Woah! That’s one down and like >insert number here< to go. Sadly, I’ve lost touched with many of my relatives for just this reason, my sexuality, so… I don’t really know if I’ll ever see them again. Most likely the answer is no.

The world hasn’t ended and my sister — I assume — has been keeping a pretty tight lip on it all. For now, life resumes…

My days lately have been filled with some of the strangest dreams. For a while now I keep having dreams about this guy I met through Drew. It’s the oddest thing to something I thought I had pretty much let die. For some reason thoughts of him linger. I guess you can call it… missing him? Not sure. But I’ve been having a lot of them. I have no intention of talking to him or making any sort of contact with him. It would only make things weird. Besides, last time he was in town not only did the ‘camps’ divide I could’ve sworn the earth was about to open up too.

An even stranger dream recently has been this paper in my hand that folds itself into different origami shapes/items. It takes no effort and in fact I seem almost bored/unappreciative of the things the paper becomes. Not sure if it goes unnoticed or I’m simply not impressed by it. Not sure what that means either. I should really talk to Drew and find out what he says.

All-in-all, things are good. I’ve been spending some good time with my friend S. There’s a lot to learn from here when it comes to writing. Her edgy script background also makes me appreciate the other forms of writing.

Reality slapped me in the face recently. I mean, granted this happens all the time, but this was different. My local UPS mailbox expired and had to renew it. It made me realize why I even bothered getting one; for queries!

Which then depressed me because I haven’t finished the edits and really haven’t given this an honest try. While the rest of the writing community goes off to do NaNoWriMo, I’m set on NaNoEDMo (yes, that stands for EDITING). So far, i’m like two chapters behind!

No progress then on the writing or the editing front. A friend of mine recently pointed out the most obvious, my lack of zen. Work has me stressed out to the point where my blood pressure shot up during a biometric scan done at work. No surprise. My creativity is sorta stalled out, overwhelmed by outside forces. Armini(muse) has pretty much fled.

Work, and my life situation, are things I must endure for now. The reality is there is no other place that pays what I’m making now. Believe me. I’ve discussed this with a friend who said, “Yes, you’re fucked.” Gotta get through it for now and make what I can of it. As for living situation, that can take some tweaking. That is something I’m hoping to change this coming year.

So, for now, I’ve stopped trying to force the words out; stopped forcing the inspiration and ideas to flow. I miss the creativity that came with a day’s walk, or random ‘what if’ that popped up. One thing that has certainly helped is hanging out with friends. A change of scenery or even spending time with different people will open up things. Work is so intense that for 8-10hrs straight my brain is in complete LOCK focused on my work. It can be that intense.

It’s funny my room mates recently said they’re “disturbed” and “worried” by how busy I am. They say my job is going to leave me a nervous wreck. Ha! Perhaps…

The job situation will surely change soon, either as a result of a department transfer or I finally free myself from the terrible debt to have a normal job.

Understanding this all has oddly given me a certain sense of peace. Not sure how that works out but it does.

For now, onward to these life experiences and hanging out with people. Later this month I’ll be visiting @RCMurphy in Fresno and then onward to Washington to see my friends there and also my friend T, who is absolutely amazing.

I feel there’s something missing in this blog, but can’t quite put my finger on it…