Here

For the past few weeks I’ve been having nightmares about being back in SoCal and struggling to come back to Washington. I’m not sure why. For the first few nights I attributed it to the colder weather. Studies have shown–and in my case true–that being cold at night triggers nightmares. While I wasn’t shivering in bed, I was certainly colder than usual. So, I put another blank on the bed for the past few days. It worked the first night, and then the nightmares started again.

It’s always the same. Somehow I’ve ended up back in SoCal, no job, and with this longing to return to Washington. It’s almost a fear of being trapped in SoCal with no return to Washington. I’ve had a few friends interpret this to mean that I’m not yet settled, that I haven’t found my purpose, and overall insecure with the change. I can’t argue with that.

Small routines have surfaced, from something as small as getting my morning coffee and no longer carpooling with my roommate, to coming home from work and doing dishes. It’s a small routine and beyond giving me something to do and keeping my mind busy, it provides purpose. It provides sense to an otherwise random day. I’m in the final days of my training and I’ll be going “live” to the main floor; call center. Yet, the work is different and I won’t be doing what I used to before. I’m no longer in the tech support trenches, but rather provisioning services and records. That works for me, since I not only used to do that, but it’s simple. In fact, rumors at work say that management has high hopes for me, they’re well aware what I used to do at work and already there is talk of moving on up. It’s exciting, but slightly overwhelming considering how many changes I’ve gone through the past few weeks.

Routine will give me purpose.

While I appreciate the roommate wanting to including me in events; watch movies, play video games together, or hang out with some mutual friends… sometimes I want my space. It was hard to communicate this sometimes but I did finally tell him, “It’s okay. I can keep myself busy and we don’t always have to do everything together.” He recently suggested we get a pet together, and while I thought it was cute, a part of me did go, “When did we get married?” For the record, the roommate is straight, very straight, so there’s no possibility of anything happening. He’s a hilarious guy and more like an older brother than anything else. Still, the constant attention is something I need to get used to and/or set boundaries. For one, I do like coming home, eating, cleaning up, and then writing for the rest of the day. As far as video games, tv, or anything else, that takes a back seat. It’s hard for my roommate to understand at times; being a single bachelor and all. But, I appreciate his desire to keep me involved.

The whole relocation still has my head spinning at times. There is a slight fear that it’ll never feel like home and I’ll never have my routine. That ‘nowhere feels like home’ feeling starts to creep in and I think that also contributes to the nightmares. I honestly can’t wait until the dust settles and I start editing. I have this personal goal to finish the major edits of my next novel by the end of the year, for an early release in 2013!

For now, this blog entry serves as an outlet to get a few things off my chest and remember what it’s like to put fingers to keys 😉

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One Response to Here

  1. Dana Elmendorf says:

    So happy to see into a little window of your life. I miss you but you seem so happy I don’t want you to come back…unless you really really want to. Xxoo

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