Feels Like The End.

There’s a new outlook on things. It’s a good thing.

My trip to SoCal came and went. Two days into that vacation and I honestly couldn’t wait to come back home. Heck, for the first time I was referring to Washington as home. That in itself was comforting; acknowledging my new home and accepting it.

I took advantage of this trip to not only say goodbye to friends I couldn’t to before my move, but also empty out things from storage. I used to be one to keep things for their sentimental value, a hoarder of sorts. But, as someone who moved every two years, this habit was one I had to break. In the end, storage units are cathartic… an expense on the soul and the wallet!

My visit was somewhat hectic, every day planned out with a particular set of friends. I realized how busy I was when on the third day I visited family and realized it was the only day I’d see them. My mom was very happy to see me and like any mother, cried when I had to say goodbye. She’s really happy for me, happy that I’m happy. Of course, she’s still asking about if and when I’m getting married.  “I don’t want you to end up alone,” she says.  And of course she still doesn’t know I’m gay. I debated telling her on this trip, but in the end I chickened out. A part of me is waiting until she has a solid support system. Besides, I’m in no real rush. It’s not like I’m getting married or dating anyone right now.

By day three, at my friends’ wedding (likely not the time for it), but I really got to thinking. I’m not sure what it was, but something had me in deep thought. An overwhelming sense of sadness came over me, along with this strong desire to run away. There, in the middle of the reception I got up and took a walk. I examined my life and those around me. I didn’t belong. And that’s when I realized SoCal had always been like that night, a party I didn’t really belong to, a popular crowd I was never part of, a misplaced foreign object throw into the fray. This in no way is to say my friends didn’t try and make me feel welcome. Gawd, nothing like that. As is typical of my personality, I tend to be an introvert and do a lot of thinking. But, I had a lot of old thoughts, feelings and emotions I felt growing up, of the shy  kid in the corner… the kid always feeling like he’s outside looking in. All alone, but in a crowded room.

I walked the pier, the boardwalk of this seaport business area. It looked as though everyone had a wedding reception of some sort going on. Every other space rented, loud music, crowds dancing, and in some far off distance a DJ would announce the throwing of the bouquet. I’d pass couples holding hands, an arguing group over who had too much to drink, an older couple that had misplaced their car keys. My dress shoes echoed and scraped against the asphalt with each step. I rather liked the sound of the heel hitting the hard ground.

Dark clouds rolled in from the ocean, blanketing and cooling off the area. With it, a sense of melancholy swept over me. Stoic and unmoved, I kept asking myself what was wrong. Why do I see things differently? Why am I so different?

My thoughts were interrupted when a skunk appeared on the pier. At first I mistook it for a cat, until I saw the stripes. I believe we both recoiled back, surprised as if saying, “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.”

I took it as a sign and returned to the party.

I returned to SoCal, survived, and said my piece. I bow out to build my future elsewhere. Through all the great experiences, the wonderful friendships I’ve built, I feel it’s time to take hold of a few things and change them. Maybe this trip happened for a reason, providing me a renewed sense of hope for my new life in Washington, a reminder of why I moved… i dunno. I made peace with a few things back home and even ended a friendship. It’s been weeks now and I feel very good about things.

Onward.

httpv://youtu.be/FdZukGv3AVs