SoldierBoy

(short entry without the details. For details: bchaos.diaryland.com)

For some reason I’m feeling particularly melancholy(?) I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve had a few glasses of wine and I’m starting to reminisce about so many things about my past. I mentioned in my last post something about SoldierBoy. Not to be confused with NavyBoy but yes, there is a pattern developing here.

Back when I was still working at the company I help start, and being around my boss. I was entranced by his long-time career in government, often sharing war stories. During a Veteran’s Day special I was brought to tears over what some soldiers faced overseas in the wars. Oh, and if you don’t know yet, I CAN’T stand watching war movies. I refuse to watch them cuz I turn into such a baby. I cry and sob. I hate to see such destruction on all levels of the human psyche.

I felt compelled to make a difference. I went through an organization and adopted/sponsored a few soldiers. It was a pen-pal thing and care-packages  sent monthly. The limit was four per person, based on the understanding that it can get quite expensive beyond that. It was, but it was SO worth it and i have NO regrets. But, when Christmas came, seeing the news that so many had not yet been sponsored I picked up two more. These guys were great. I received letters from all of them, at least one. A few were just too busy and that was understandable. I had joy in just being able to send them letters and supplies they needed/wanted; extra pillows, jerky, gum, deodorant, coffee, etc.

My very first adoptee, SoldierBoy, was one that fascinated me. We immediately began long emails and letters. He was one of the few that kept me updated weekly. Of course not up-to-the-date for security reasons, but it was nice to be updated along with his family and friends at home. He was one of the first people that really got me worked up about writing again. His use of words painted scenes and really inspired me. He was a wonderful writer. Yes, I admit, I was smitten. But, I dared not allow this to develop or much less EVER let him know. It was a harmless crush at first and it wasn’t bound to go anywhere. I knew when he returned to the States that just like everyone else I’d say my goodbye and thankyous. It just how it was done. He was one of the last to return. Yet, he was one of my first contacts. I had over 200 emails from him in the year I knew him. They were nice and he was very sweet (witty too!). For his birthday I sent him an ipod like I had with the other soldiers. He was VERY grateful and the fact that I not only received an email but a hand-written letter meant the world to me. It really showed me just how much he appreciated it. I was touched when he commented that he wanted to give me one of his hard-earned badges. I immediately wanted to cry.

But no. I could not bring myself to liking him any more than I already started, or so I told myself. He returned home and I sent out my usual goodbye email and the polite, “keep in touch” or “if you’re ever in town.” Its just courtesy, but I never expected him to take me up on it. He did and we kept emailing while he was back at home. I thought it would end there and not go anywhere else until he said he was visiting SoCal to see his twin brother. I froze and wasn’t sure how to react or what to say. Of course all my friends teased and told me not to overreact. They were right.

He came on his birthday. We visited the Griffith Observatory and had a blast just talking. I realized in talking with him that it wouldn’t have mattered WHERE we went that afternoon. We just kept on talking about anything and everything. It was really amazing to be around him. He was very charming and the whole time I kept my polite demeanor and encouraged the conversation.

There were a few things that bothered me. A few things that came up that caused a sort of awkward situation where I thought he might suspect my feelings towards him. There were certain questions and scenarios he’d setup.  But I’d quickly change the subject or we’d move on.

SoldierBoy was destined for greatness. His entire family legacy had this long history of service to the military or government. He really did. He hid details about his father for reasons that became obvious once we met. SoldierBoy had been, since we met, trying to get into the WestPoint academy. From talking to him when he visited, I kept telling him I had full faith that he’d get in. He was humbly unsure, but optimistic. Sure enough when he got back home he told me the good news that he had been accepted.

I sorta let things die from there. Even removing him from my FB account. I just felt like poison, venom and generally unworthy of being in his presence. SoldierBoy was this Prince Charming, one that was not mine. But, it certainly made me realize a few things about myself.

I cried after he left. I think I took some time off work and it brought to light a few things about my life. It made me realize just how closeted I had become. It made me realize just how sheltered I had kept myself. I didn’t like that. I felt rather unaccomplished by comparison. And in doing this, I hated comparing myself. I’m not entirely sure how this whole spiralling effect occured. I almost don’t WANT to remember exactly what he triggered. I just know I don’t want to feel like that again. It was a dark place.

SoldierBoy, like NavyBoy, did help inspire two amazing characters for my next book/project. So, despite it all, there was some good out of it. The tragedy or whatever it was, helped spark and inspire a book. So, maybe its true, “You cannot be a good writer of serious fiction if you are not depressed” – Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Funny, isn’t it?

p.s. in moving from my old apartment to this one, I lost all the letters I got from the soldiers. Oh, and SoldierBoy never did remember to bring that badge with him

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpO9MSEWpxc