Losing Focus

I’m not quite sure where it started. I don’t know what prompted it. I’ve always known about it, it’s always lurked in some dark corner of my mind. But I had no idea how bad it was until recently.

It’s hard to stay focused.

Now, I’m not claiming any sort of diagnosis that I’m ADD/ADHD. Yet, a part of me believes most creative types suffer from some form of it.

No. This is likely my indecisive nature, getting worse as I get older and realizing that picking up new things requires much more focus than before, and with it, an unwillingness to learn new things. A while back I caught myself going, “Geez, why can’t everything just stay the same? Why do we have to keep changing—woah, I’m old.”

It wasn’t my prettiest moment and it was a frightening wake up call that my brain on some level was throwing in the towel. Sound the alarm now. Get those bingo nights ready!

Since my move up to Seattle, I’ve been more determined than before to change things up, to find my niche, my place in this world. Perhaps that’s why I’ve spread myself thin over the past year. I’ve been meeting new people, making new friends, dating, writing, cooking (which i’ve never really done until now), learning a slightly new job with very different systems. Once I began to pencil in hanging out with friends weeks in advanced, I knew something was wrong. It was my first indication that I was doing too much. Especially when despite organizing my ‘to do’ list, I still came out losing; personal projects suffered first and without notice. My passion for it also dwindled and that disturbed me the most. It certainly wasn’t intentional, but I realized my two ways of feeding the muse fell out of routine; reading and writing.

Sure. I’ve always been a slow reader and writer, but this time I found myself making no effort to put aside time. I was just “too busy.” I put this in quotes because “busy” is really all perception. I can’t help but think of the many hard working people with crazy hours–not to mention school and family–that are still able to write and read.

Things right now at work are hectic, or rather, in a state of flux. Processes and work functions are changing. There was an opportunity to take on my CCNA certification (Cisco Certified Network Associate), company paid and around my schedule, but I realize the course would be on my own time and after work. It’s not required to keep my job, but it opens up career opportunities, and not just at my current job. You see, there’s a job opening for a new position, more pay and this CCNA certificate would be a huge plus. The course is intense and would leave little to no room for anything else.

Oh, and my recent dating? Any social life that doesn’t include the dates? Won’t happen. Even an introvert like me realizes that friendships require ‘up keep’ and maintenance. And while most times it doesn’t feel like work, it started to. That was another red flag.

Did I mention I wanted to learn French and downloaded a few exercises and apps to help? Yeah… Je suis fatigué

I can’t give up. I won’t.

Writing brings me so much joy and I really want to get back to it. I’ve dialed back the dating and socializing, which seems perfect considering winter is coming (I really hate that I can’t type this without thinking Game Of Thrones… and I don’t even watch it). Winter brings rain, the settling down, and the social hibernation that I love.

It’s time to refocus.