All roads lead to…

I woke up from a dream at 4am. Nightmare really. I dreamed I was suffering a terrible heart attack. Apparently reliving my life over and over again, each life getting shorter and shorter but always ending with a heart attack. (a theme from a book I read). I was reliving certain points of my life as different personalities, one sorta altruistic and the other very destructive and sorta evil. As these two lives were ending the heart attacks came harder and more frequent until I woke up. My chest hurt, my left arm tingled and although I was scared for the first few minutes, I knew the pain and the tingling were effects of my vivid dream. Within a few minutes the pain subsided and I returned to finish the dream where both lives were wiped clean of fault/sin. It all had some bizarre purpose.

The dream couldn’t come at a more appropriate time in my life…

What a crazy year this has been.

#BraAsh2010 was off to a slow start with @AshantyVicite and @Snowppl. But that’s okay. It was still pretty darn fun. This year it was all about meeting twitter people like @lkgg, @janellealexandr, @elm8, and @robgokee just to name a few.

The biggest surprise recently was getting to meet @Merlacky from all the way in CT. It was epic fun that he was able to make the trip. I originally met him through WDC (Writing.com/Writing Dot Com). I’ve met so many others through there and we’ve slowly migrated over to the twitterverse where we’ve sorta become chatty 😛

The list of those I meet from the twitterverse will greatly increase when I go to the Writers Conference/#EpicOsity in Denver in less than two weeks. I’ve been going to writing conferences/workshops before but this will be the first REAL big one. It will also be the first time I’ll be taking a serious step to getting published. That in itself sorta scares me.

A part of me feels I’m not ready. But if I never take the first step, even if I’m bound to fail, I’m not sure I’ll ever take a step to get published. Now, this isn’t a pitch to a publisher that I’ll be making. I’m simply pitching to ONE agent. I’m seeking an agent to begin this whole process. A process that could very well take a YEAR before my book lands on a shelf; and that’s just assuming all goes well. Yes, the road to publication is a long one. Especially the traditional route.

While going on a mini writer’s party with @snowppl and @janellealexandr I started off on a query, a pitch for an agent. I realized as I prepared it that my original approach of presenting my book as a SINGLE book was not the route. You see a typical book is about 80k to maybe 100k words. I’ve written about 245k words! Meaning, I’m looking at a series already. FML. I’ve written a series already!!

My editor, @snowppl, basically flat out said, “You’re cutting this in three!” Suddenly I had to rethink my approach and my query. It was during this analysis that I also realized my ‘first book’ needed a serious overhaul in it’s ending. It was TOO much of a cliff-hanger, after all I was looking at the whole thing as ONE book, not THREE.

Have I mentioned I have less than two weeks?

An agent’s biggest peeve is a writer that isn’t prepared. I’ve already submitted my request to have my 10min of pitch-time with an agent, so I should seriously be scrambling but a part of me senses I may have set myself up for failure, at least subconsciously. (I’m known to do that btw).

At one point I thought I knew my path. At one point I had a goal to become a law enforcement officer. I had been in the background screening industry for three years, heck I even helped start a company in that field. I had a four-year plan all mapped out. Become an officer and after four years either become a detective or go FBI. Then, plans changed and I found myself working for a TeleCom company whose evil clutches but GREAT pay keep me miserable but paying my bills. If you follow my twitter stream you often see me tweet about work. Then there is this whole thing that is writing. Where am I going with this? Am I serious about this? Should I start a new career path and become an EMT like I’ve recently been contemplating?

I must admit I have amazing friends that have supported me throughout, regardless of where I tend to land. Never have they pointed this or that failure or this or that dream that never manifested itself. For that I truly am grateful and fortunate.

It’s all left me pretty confused on what to do and where to go. I see friends all around me going here and there,  planning this or that out. The entire world seems to have had its foundation shaken. People moving across the country or even OUT of the country in search of jobs or a new career because of the miserable economy. Everyone seems to have a place to go.

Where before there seemed to be a couple of paths and the choice was a bit easier, now it seems I’m presented with many more options. Not just a fork in the road, certainly not your typical one at least.

Heck, I even contemplating going back to my religious roots, going back into the closet and becoming a whole new person entirely. Shocker right? But yes, I must admit I’ve thought about it. It would require a great overhaul, far beyond just burning a single bridge but all bridges. Did i mention that I did this at 18? Quit my job, moved out and left for a religious retreat in ID where I tried to pray the gay away? Not surprising, it didn’t work. Yet, it hasn’t discouraged me from thinking about it.

I think it’s all these reasons I’m desperately still trying to find my ground. It doesn’t help the dream had ALL of these themes intertwined.

@snowppl recently interpreted my dream re: the heart attack and came to this>> a heart attack refers to a lack of support and acceptance. Perhaps you also feel a loss of love.

So, where to go?