There is something to be said about seasons. There is something nostalgic that occurs every year. Each change triggers a memory, it is a milestone, a bump in the road, a reminder of things past. It is a point in time by which everything else is measured in my life.
“Oh, last year around this time I was doing this…” “I remember telling myself that by this time I’d be…” “Whatever happened to…”
It eventually causes me to spiral into depression, realizing that nothing has changed. Thoughts stir that I’ve accomplished little to nothing in my life. Life is passing me by.
It is suddenly ten years ago and I’m drinking every night to pass out and be able to sleep. I’m a heart-broken mess and in complete denial over my sexuality. If my current self-loathing is apparent, I guarantee it is nothing compared to what it was before. I’m going to class and putting on a smile. Counselors and teachers express concern but knowing my situation at home, no one can do anything. State workers visit, asking for cooperation and to an extent coaxing me to take medication like some drug pusher. The pale, expressionless visage reads simply: don’t bother me and let me be, let me wander and pass by. Let me saunter vaguely…
I lost a lot of friends. A lot of my circles were interwoven between my boyfriend at the time and my best friend. When I lost one I lost the other. Both united to become my biggest adversaries in high school. The social circles broke off and I was left pretty vulnerable and friendless.
I think my biggest trust issues stem from this. Burn them before they burn you, was my philosophy for the longest time.
Sure. This was all ten years ago. Times have changed. Yet the scar was deep and severe enough that I avoid anyone from high school and purposely don’t shop or hang around my own home town.
I loathe memories of my past. I must admit I’ve done a great job at forgetting most of them, to the point where my sister remembers more about my high school life than I do. (and she’s 8yrs younger).
I’m at a delicate, volatile place head-wise. The slightest word or gesture triggers a memory. My head is full of negativity, unable to see past any mistake or imperfection. My toxicity permeates and should serve as a cautionary tale, it is negative energy to avoid and I do everyone the favor and just hole-up for now.